Entries for 2nd Jan 2019
Back into Out Front! mode. If you can afford it, you can donate from only £2 per month (if 10 people did this, that would cover artist fees for one concert). OR you can choose to do a one-off donation!
I am working my way through a plan for the next three months. The sense of release, of loss, of joy, of freedom — of calm, and acceptance — it is a sense that that I do not think I have had for a very long time.
This change, which has been a long time coming; it brings together two aspects that I think are essential for music: choosing and paying attention.
I am thinking about three presentations I am delivering this month. This month! The speed at which this change has come frightens me.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel comfortable as an academic. And I remember when I used to wonder if I would feel comfortable being a musician. But it had never occurred to me to ask myself what sort of musician I wanted to be.
My academic work is in the humanities, and "what sort of researcher am I? and what sort of researcher do I want to be?" are constantly circling. And the feeling of being able to choose, to think about it, to pay attention to those things...
... and the feeling that there is DIALOGUE, but not LIMITATIONS. And that draws me back to music-making; and the processes of music-making, and what I decided to do, and what people thought I SHOULD be doing.
I have been plotting the new music for the subscription series. This year I want to focus on notated music. This is the opposite of (s)kin, where nothing was notated beforehand.
And it is the dialogue I am having about this new work — its mysticism, its science — without limitation; it is that that I am finding most valuable from this change which frightens me and saddens me and fills me with joy.